zondag 20 februari 2011

After a long time..

..of doing nothing with my blog, I feel like writing again. Just a bit. I know this feeling will be away again soon :)

As I grow older, I see the people around me are doing the same. They're changing too. Some change in a good way. Some don't. I'm starting to realise that I don't have any sense of what's real and what's not. When are others real? When am I myself? I wouldn't know. I guess that I'm only myself when I'm honest and when I say what I think. But that's not what everyone does. Sometimes saying what you really think can hurt other people. That happens a lot.
I hate it that I'm not totally myself. I don't know why I just can't get it done, to act like I want to. Yeah sure, I act crazy, I may even seem childish (where's the line between crazy and childish?) but I'm not really me. I don't say anything back to the bitch that's telling me how to speak English (she can't even say the th-thing right, I can so she should really shut up), I don't say anything when other people make fun of someone when they shouldn't. That's when I'm not me. And when I really should be. I guess I'm just scared that people won't like me anymore. That the bitch will start hating me (and you don't want that), or that the people-making-fun-of-someone-when-they-shouldn't won't like me anymore. Have they ever really liked me? Or just the person I'm trying to be?

I always want everyone to like me. I know that's not going to happen. I have friends. I should be happy, right?

So. After this bit of acting-sad and telling-a-computer-about-my-feelings I'm going to get back to my homework. Well, that's actually not true. Har har.

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